Have You Ever?
by Sophie Temrer Rimmer-Artley
Summary: Oneshot. The idea for this popped into my head yesterday, completely surprising me, so I wrote it! Rimmer/Lister


**AN: I've found a new and improved way of writing songfics! Rather than interspersing song and story, I've decided to just write a relevant snippet of lyrics at the beginning (in this case, verse one) and then tell my story freely. I hope this works, so please tell me what you think! Set post-Stoke Me A Clipper, pre-Ouroboros. Enjoy!**

_Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over_

_Knowing there's so much more to say_

_Suddenly the moment's gone, and all your dreams are upside down_

_And you just wanna change the way the world goes round_

_~ Have You Ever, S Club 7_

Lister couldn't sleep. How could he have let Rimmer walk away like that? Just waved him off grinning like a mad idiot? He should have seized his chance, bit the bullet, _told_ him, instead of watching him leave. There was no way Rimmer was ready for this. He'd never survive out there. The continued fate of the Arnold Rimmers of the universe had taken another successor, and Lister's only lifeline.

Why had he never confessed? Well, that was simple. Rimmer hated Lister, and, as far as everyone else knew, Lister hated Rimmer. How could he tell Rimmer, being almost certain that the hologram would laugh in his face, or worse, be repulsed and disgusted? He could remember the day they met like it was almost yesterday...

Lister had been trailing behind Todhunter along the habitation deck of Red Dwarf, newly signed up and everything, and Todhunter had stopped outside one door and turned to Lister with a grave face.

"Look, I'm sorry, but we've got to put you in with Arnold Rimmer. If he drives you completely mad, we do have an excellent counsellor on board."

Lister gulped. "OK." As Todhunter turned away, a torrent of thoughts flooded Lister's mind. What was so bad about this Arnold Rimmer? Did he smell? Was he stupid? Was he just generally annoying?

Todhunter opened the door, and Lister froze.

"I can't live here, it's clean!" he gasped.

"Looks like Rimmer's not in." Todhunter said, ignoring Lister's last remark. "I'm sure he'll be back soon. In the meantime, make yourself at home. Welcome to the ship, Lister." Todhunter left, and Lister gawped at the precision with which everything in the room was placed. It was so _tidy_! Lister gingerly put his suitcase and guitar down, afraid of dirtying anything. He peered at the titles of the books neatly stacked on the shelf; Astronavigation: A Beginner's Guide, Engineering Made Simple, Napoleon's War Diaries... Lister gave up and looked out of the tiny window at the stars. They seemed so small, so insignificant...

"What on earth did the cat drag in?" a loud voice said obnoxiously. Lister jumped, and turned around. Standing there in the doorway was a tall man with pasty skin and wiry hair that was parted on the side. He was dressed smartly, in a far neater version of Lister's thrown-on rags, and wearing boots that were shined to perfection. Lister felt instantly about thirty centimetres smaller, and also felt his knees almost buckle and his heart skip a beat.

"Smeg." Lister mumbled. He'd known he was bisexual for quite a long time, but wondered why he had quite obviously fallen for this man in particular. He'd never been a believer of love at first sight, but this was clearly the outcome here. There was a long silence as Lister looked at the man.

"Hello. You must be the new technician."

"Um... hi." Lister replied timidly. "I'm Dave Lister." He extended a grimy hand, and the man stared at it in silent disgust before his eyes snapped up to meet Lister's. The two men held each other's gaze for a moment, and Lister almost melted. He quickly withdrew his hand, instead dropping it into his pocket. "So you must be Arnold Rimmer then? Can I call you Arnold? Arn?"

"Rimmer will do, thank you very much." was the brisk reply. "Have you been briefed on your duties as a technician?"

Lister shook his head. "No."

Rimmer clapped his hands together. "Well, it's quite simple. We fix things. Sticking doors, malfunctioning food dispensers, broken skutters..."

"Skutters?" Lister interrupted, his face a perfect question mark.  
"You don't know what skutters are? Todhunter didn't tell you?" Rimmer asked. Lister shook his head a second time. "They're the little blue and silver robots you may see around. If they break, we fix them."

"So basically, we're the odd-job men of the ship?" Lister asked.

Rimmer looked at Lister with a strange expression. "I suppose you could call us that. Anyway, I think that's all you need to know about the work, now for ground rules regarding our sleeping quarters."

Lister looked a little confused. "O-kay."

"One, I get the bottom bunk. I've always had it, and I'm not giving it up now."

Lister shrugged. "All right with me."

"Two, any dirty laundry has to go in the basket, not all over the floor."

"What? Dirty laundry is supposed to go on the floor!"

"Not in my sleeping quarters it's not." Rimmer said, with the emphasis on the _my_. "Three..."

"Our."

"What?"

"It's _our_ sleeping quarters now." Lister pointed out.

"Three, no correcting me. Four..."

_A very long time later..._

Lister was making his way to the canteen, trying his best to leave Rimmer behind. He had spent the best part of almost half an hour listening to his rules, some of which were things like 'don't leave the cap off the shampoo bottle' and 'squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube', and it had almost made him fall asleep. He hoped he could hide in a group of people and Rimmer wouldn't notice him. If he wasn't already nuts about the man, he would be appealing to Todhunter for a new room. He slipped into the canteen and crawled under the nearest table.

"Ere, who you hidin' from?" came a voice from above him. Lister looked up, into the face of another man.

"Arnold Rimmer." Lister said honestly.

"Don't blame ya, mate. Come on up and sit with us." The man dragged Lister up and sat him down on the bench beside him. "Petersen, catering officer." he said, extending a hand, which Lister shook warmly.

"I'm Dave Lister."

"The new third technician?" someone from across the table asked. Lister nodded. "Nice to meet you, I'm Selby, and this here's Chen."

"Top o' the evenin' to ya!" the man named Chen grinned. "Fancy a lager?"

"Sure!" Lister grinned back at Chen. He was going to get on well with these guys, he could tell...

_Back in the present..._

Lister smiled to himself as he remembered Chen, Selby and Petersen. They had been great mates, but Lister had never felt close enough to them to confess his sexuality to them. So he'd kept quiet, kept his head down, never really considering dating anyone else, until one day he saw Kristine Kochanski as she walked across the canteen with a friend. She was beautiful. Lister knew she was no substitute for Rimmer, but he liked her a lot all the same. Of course, just his luck, it had all gone pear-shaped, and they had only dated for a fortnight before Kochanski had finished with him. Rimmer had been merciless in his torment, constantly reminding Lister of how Kochanski was better than him. Lister had just grinned and bore it, because he didn't rightly care. If only then, he had simply got up the courage to blurt out his real feelings, who knows how different things might have been?

Rimmer may never have left.

Rimmer might still be here, in Lister's arms...

"Oh, what's the smegging use!" Lister hissed to himself. Rimmer was gone now. He wasn't coming back. Probably ever. Lister had made the bed, now he had to lie in it. He felt a tear leak from the corner of his eye as he realised this. It wasn't smegging fair. Nothing ever went right.

Not for him anyway...

**Ohh-kay! All done! This may be the first in another collection of one shots, but I'm undecided as yet! Review please!**


End file.
